Jumat, 22 April 2011

Becoming An Awesome Emo

The first no-so-secret secret to being Emo is the hair.  The defining quality of the Emo is the perfectly inconvenient quaff.  

   Be sure to use plenty of environmentally harmful chemicals, such as aerosol hairspray, heavy metal dyes, synthetic hair extensions, latex based glue (to glue the hair extensions to your head), and a variety of other products that probably involve some form of animal sacrifice. 
   The perfect Emo 'do very much resembles the formerly popular Mullet.  The Emo hairstyle is a sort of modern evolution of the classic Mullet.  One major discrepancy between the two, is that, in order to properly master the Emo 'do, the bangs must obscure at least 30% of the face.  This is not negotiable.
   This brings me to the next secret to pulling off the perfect Emo look; Use every tool at your disposal to further obscure your face!  This is vital to creating the illusion of cuteness. 

   You can even use this tactic to showcase your uniqueness and originality, because in an army of 15 year olds who all have the same hair cut, the battle for individuality is never ending.
    The next thing to remember about successfully hiding your ugly mug is make up.  Another Emo trademark, and effective method of hiding a black eye, is the eye Spackle.

    'Nuff said.
     Back to accessorizing.  Since most 15 year olds are on a pretty strict budget of around $20 a week, providing that they clean their room and do the dishes, affording adequate accessories can be quite difficult.  Welcome to the sunny world of Kleptomania!!! That's right, you little Kleptos, I was 15 once too.
       Next up, androgyny.  Always keep them guessing! 

      I'm not gonna lie, I have no idea what I'm looking at here.  Is it a boy and a girl?  Two boys? Two girls??? A girl and a bear dressed up to look like another girl in hopes of steeling food from her?  Whatever the case, gender bending is just another Emo shenanigan.
        For some reason, these youngsters insist on wearing more make up than a moderately priced hooker, but at the same time, infantilizing themselves by accessorizing excessively with Hello Kitty.  A bizarre contradiction, indeed.

    The train-wreck pictured above is also making use of the Obscure Your Face rule.
     So, you've got the look, now its time to express yourself with words and dumb things that you write on the palm of your hand.  Remember, the term Emo is short for "emotional", so don't forget to include threats of suicide, self mutilation and heartbreak in your poetry.

         Now, in a brave attempt, I have gone where no self respecting adult has gone before... I became an Emo...


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